So long, appacha...see you in Heaven

Life has been humming along for the most part since I last posted. Significant and hilarious moments, worth blogging about, have come and gone but the recent death of my father-in-law evoked a great deal of emotions in our children and is worth sharing. Read below, my eldest daughter Stefanie Joseph's moving essay on her reflections of her grandfather's (appacha's) passing.

When I walked into the hospital room and looked at my grandfather he didn't look anything like what  I had imagined. His face looked hollow, his eyes were closed and there were tubes coming out of his nose and his throat while he lay still. I don't know why, but when I imagined him in the hospital I imagined him awake, being able to talk, and exactly as I saw him when I was in sixth grade when we went to India. That was the last time I saw him.

I pictured that appacha would have his framed eyeglasses and his teeth and that he would be sitting upright in the bed and maybe when he saw his grandchildren he would get better, his body would

Appacha (aka Joseph Daniel)

suddenly heal. But that was a naive thought. Seeing him lying there unable to talk back, let alone know we were there in the hospital room brought me to tears. I was sad and upset because I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I didn't have any last words to say to him before he passed away. The only memories he probably had of me were those little questions I would ask on the phone when he used to call. "How are you, appacha?" or "How's the weather in India?" Not anything really personal and not anything that might form an impressionable memory.

I felt upset that I couldn't tell him how much he really meant to me and how I appreciated him even though I didn't show it. I was sad that my dad would have to lose another parent in about a year and that he had to go through so much pain. I was upset with myself for not being sensitive towards the situation. When my dad would call the hospital constantly I would get irritated thinking that probably all my grandfather wanted to do was rest without constant calls from his son. But now I realize that wasn't the case. My dad was losing someone he loved and he used every opportunity he could to spend with him, even if it was just a phone call. These are the reasons I was in tears when I saw him lying in the hospital bed.

I had not seen someone on their deathbed or die before this. Whenever a loved one died it was unexpected, as when my ammachi died last year. But my appacha suffered much before he died and after all that suffering he went through he was going to die. It seemed unfair. People always say things get better, that suffering is unavoidable and in the end there will be happiness, that just seemed wrong. After he went through all his treatment he was being taken away from his family who loved him. How is that a good thing? How is that a happy thing? So, of course, I was sad to hear he was dying.

No one in my family had ever said the words “he’s dying” to me about appacha. It was always he's just doing bad so hearing the word dying made me very sad and I came to tears because it meant we were losing him soon. This is what I thought before I reached the hospital, but after I saw him in the hospital my views changed. I saw him and I began crying because he looked like he went through so much. I stood there staring at him and I felt that he was going to pass soon, that God will take him when we were still in Canada. I felt that God was being kind to him in taking away his suffering so he could be in a better place —  in heaven with him. He could no longer be in pain and sorrow but would be happy and he was going to get that happy ending.

God waited to call appacha home until the rest of my family got there and had a chance to see him. He wanted us all to have a chance to say our goodbyes and maybe just maybe my grandpa heard us. I think I am okay with his death because I know that God had a plan for him.  God works in mysterious ways. He has plans that we may not accept or understand but we can't stand in the way of God and we just need to believe that he has a better plan for all of us. That is why I am okay with my appacha's death. I know that he is in heaven and he is happy.